when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
