just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
