Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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