Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
