my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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