I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
