WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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