I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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