Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think i got beer on your cat.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
