I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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