so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
