You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
