I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Four minutes until I can fart!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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