i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
