Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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