btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
