i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
