remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
