Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
