hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
