she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
