I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
