my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just pee around me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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