I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
