lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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