sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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