He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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