btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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