I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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