The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
