If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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