Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
