I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
