the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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