Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
BRING THE BAGELS
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
