When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
