you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
