so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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