I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
