I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
