Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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