I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
