we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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