Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize