I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
