I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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