I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
