best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
