I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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