Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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