I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
