dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
