I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
