if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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