You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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