I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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