$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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