so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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