If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
