What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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