For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
