It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
