some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
